A tragedy occurred today. A humorless Craigs List user flagged the NYC-area post, "I WILL WALK YOUR DOG" so that the link can no longer be shared with others, therefore leaving a void in the world. Luckily, I had the page saved on my phone so that I can share it with all of you. Now, all that is needed is a writer credit for this piece of literature which was brought to you and me courtesy of my BFF blogger:
HEY RICH-ASS DOG OWNERS:
Are you at the office 23 hours a day in a coke-fueled effort to squeeze every last penny out of your 20s and 30s?
Are you going out of town with your post-divorce trophy-girlfriend to visit your slave ship collection in the Barbados?
Do you work for a corporation that received TARP money?
I AM YOUR DOG-WALKER.
I am the most radical, bitchin', mind-blowing dog-walking experience in
all of New York City. All dogs are STOKED when I'm around, regardless of
breed or sex. Your dog is gonna be on me like Charlie Sheen on a porn
star made of amphetamines; when I'm ascending toward your penthouse
suite in your private elevator, bitch's nipples are gonna be ROCK HARD.
Do I have experience walking dogs?
I'M A HUMAN BEING, OF COURSE I HAVE EXPERIENCE WALKING DOGS. THIS ISN'T LINEAR ALGEBRA, FOLKS; IT'S DOG-WALKING.
Are you thinking you want someone with better credentials, someone that's
been vetted by one of those fancy-schmancy agencies with a dumb-ass pun
for a name?
FLIP THE SWITCH: I went to Princeton University, I got a 1600 on my
SATs, and now, for 15 bucks an hour, your precious little dog can be my
Are you one of those prototypical American
success stories who worked your way up from nothing to live the dream,
and now you want to gloat over an Ivy League grad who has been reduced
to posting a dog-walking classified on skeezy-ass Craigslist?
You can shadow me while I walk! Take pictures of my pathetic face as
I handle your dog's feces with nothing but a plastic bag over my hand!
I'll wear my Princeton lettermen's sweater! I might even cry!
Forget the agencies; I will walk your dog for less money, and I'm
not some weirdo art school dropout who claims to be "in sub-verbal
communication" with your dog.
I'M JUST A GUY WHO WANTS YOUR MONEY AND WILL WALK YOUR DOG TO GET IT.
Do I do overnights?
YOU BET YOUR BOATHOUSE, BUDDY!
I will sleep in your sweet-ass apartment and tend to your dog while doing
it. Don't want my poor-person skin sullying your ostrich-feather
sheets? I'll sleep on the floor! Don't want my poor-person hair
secreting oils all over the pearl-white tiles? I'll sleep in the crate
with the dog! Sh*t, as long as I'm allowed to turn on the heat, I'll
curl up in a ball and sleep in your sink WHILE THE WATER RUNS OVER MY
Am I going to steal your jewelry? No, I'm not. Am I going to jack
your electronics? No way, man. Am I gonna eat some of your food?
Probably, but nothing you'll miss, maybe an apple.
I'M NOT ABOUT TO TAKE A BATH IN YOUR FOIE GRAS, MONEYBAGS.
I'm a good guy, and I'm just looking to make a little extra cash by
chaperoning your dog around your stupid white bread sidewalks. So if
you're interested in the dopest, most swagged-out LEGEND OF THE UNIVERSE
dog-walking champion of New York City, reply to this ad and we'll get
started in making your dog happier than a Mormon on his honeymoon.
So act now, write me. I'm excited to meet you and your dog, and I am
sure as motherf*cking c*cksucking sh*t that your dog is excited to meet
Serious inquiries only, please.